The line “I am comforted to find I no longer seek escape,” particularly hits me. I wrote “stop leaving yourself” on a sticky note and left it where I write in my journal most mornings.
Might be time to upgrade from a sticky note to another tattoo so those words are with me all the time🤍
second comment: is it possible you had something to return to, once outside of the trenches of addiction? Like you had seen and even partaken, halfheartedly, in life. " My days now blend into a predictable yet blissful routine: I wake up, go to the gym, get paid to write, take my dog to the big park down the street, grab coffee with a friend, enjoy dinner with family, read trashy novels and nail-biting memoirs, struggle with a difficult crossword, play all the little NYT games (except Strands…I can’t be bothered with Strands), drink rooibos tea, and browse through different streaming services before sighing and turning off the TV." Did you build this? Or was this mostly THERE and you hadn't been ? I understand the quiet boredom, and, and, even the acceptance of it. I have stopped listening to the radio. Much more silence surrounds me. I am on Step 4, 30-40 pages for the previous 3. It may be the new ADHD meds... and I am off (well, still on Wellbutrin) anti-depressants for the first time in 15? 20? years, none ever having really worked. But I am still mostly the hermit, unteathered leaf just blowing in the wind. Maybe if I had gotten sober when the kids were still young, the marriage still intact. Or maybe if I had changed myself in adolescence to be more outgoing and adventurous. And maybes are just what ifs, sliding doors. It isn't addiction, substances, meds. Just me. Way I am. I guess my challenge is to learn to like that.
two comments: one ... think of joining us in our secret society ... it is just fun to be a non-secret secret society ... https://s4pckpoccwzgroup.substack.com/
The line “I am comforted to find I no longer seek escape,” particularly hits me. I wrote “stop leaving yourself” on a sticky note and left it where I write in my journal most mornings.
Might be time to upgrade from a sticky note to another tattoo so those words are with me all the time🤍
hell yes, that would be such a powerful tattoo.
Gorgeous piece, I hadn’t read this one and you’re such a great writer!
thank you so much!
second comment: is it possible you had something to return to, once outside of the trenches of addiction? Like you had seen and even partaken, halfheartedly, in life. " My days now blend into a predictable yet blissful routine: I wake up, go to the gym, get paid to write, take my dog to the big park down the street, grab coffee with a friend, enjoy dinner with family, read trashy novels and nail-biting memoirs, struggle with a difficult crossword, play all the little NYT games (except Strands…I can’t be bothered with Strands), drink rooibos tea, and browse through different streaming services before sighing and turning off the TV." Did you build this? Or was this mostly THERE and you hadn't been ? I understand the quiet boredom, and, and, even the acceptance of it. I have stopped listening to the radio. Much more silence surrounds me. I am on Step 4, 30-40 pages for the previous 3. It may be the new ADHD meds... and I am off (well, still on Wellbutrin) anti-depressants for the first time in 15? 20? years, none ever having really worked. But I am still mostly the hermit, unteathered leaf just blowing in the wind. Maybe if I had gotten sober when the kids were still young, the marriage still intact. Or maybe if I had changed myself in adolescence to be more outgoing and adventurous. And maybes are just what ifs, sliding doors. It isn't addiction, substances, meds. Just me. Way I am. I guess my challenge is to learn to like that.
two comments: one ... think of joining us in our secret society ... it is just fun to be a non-secret secret society ... https://s4pckpoccwzgroup.substack.com/
Another insightful and inspiring beautifully written essay. So proud of you ❤️