How ironic, the sunny Hawaiian vacation I was able to afford using money I saved not buying alcohol is making me really want to consume alcohol. All around me are bars serving Mai Tais, Lava Flows, and Piña Coladas. Flushed smiling faces are stumbling passed me me and I can’t help but watch them with a tinge of jealousy. What is it about vacation that makes us want to instantly become intensely intoxicated?
I imagine it has to do with that same feeling we get at the end of a long work week. As soon as you get home or close your laptop, you pop open that bottle of wine you were saving and with a trained, fixed-eye you fill that first glass to the brim. Isn’t it strange, how in the exact moment that we are able to relax and unwind we instantly want to alter our minds and slip into oblivion? Why are we not able to sit and enjoy the moment without intoxicating ourselves? Society has made drinking supplementary to relaxation when most of the time, it leads to anything but. I have always had a romanticized image of enjoying just one glass after an exhausting work day - smiling into a sunset - wearing linen - but that’s never really the way things go. Glass one is relaxing but I can’t think of many people that stop at glass one. In fact, I can’t think of many people who aren’t trying to enter that blurry oblivion when they drink.
After the drunk oblivion fades and we return to our normal state of sobriety, we do so weakly. We suffer the consequences of consuming alcohol and wearing our bodies out, rendering us completely useless or if we are lucky, like low-functioning sloths the rest of our weekend or vacation. Is there something wrong with us, that we can’t just sit and be without a drink in hand?
The moment I stepped off the plane and felt the sweet, sticky humidity of Hawaiian air I wanted a Piña Colada. I wasn’t a huge fan of sugar-filled tiki drinks before I stopped drinking, but being on vacation somewhere warm and tropical instantly made my mouth water for one. Ever since I was able to legally drink it has been engrained in me that a vacation is not a vacation without alcohol, just as a weekend is not complete without alcohol.
I don’t wish to guilt those who still enjoy drinking - I just wonder how nice it could be to find joy separate from alcohol-induced bliss. Shouldn’t we take note of the moments we are able to truly relax and enjoy them as is without tainting them with poison? Being on vacation reminded me of how easily one can slip back into full-blown alcoholism. How being carefree makes it possible to not care at all about the effect alcohol has on me.
When you have absolutely nothing to do, no responsibilities, and no one to answer to, you can’t help but feel strange. In a world where we are constantly working and on the go, doing absolutely nothing can make us uneasy, unsettled, and somewhat nauseous. We tend to panic and look instantly for something to grab - whether it’s a cocktail, a person, a joint, or a pair of running shoes. It is so difficult for us to sit and be, even if it’s sitting with a pleasant or neutral feeling. Our brains are always screaming “GO”.
There is something about being on vacation that made me want to stumble off my path of sobriety. I saw how I could so easily slip back into the land of the drinking. It wasn’t only the weather that made me crave an alcoholic beverage - it was also all this free time I had. What do you do to pass the time when you are no longer a helpless victim to wine? Drinking always felt like the right move! It was certainly what everyone else around me was doing. Now the time I would normally spend drinking was completely free. I felt every minute and every hour of my vacation. I remember it all more clearly than I would have if I had been drunk. I woke up each morning with a clear mind free of the fog and ache that hovers from a hangover. The first two nights I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow due to travel exhaustion. But the rest of the week I lay awake thinking for an hour or so before finally drifting to sleep. There was nothing wrong with my thoughts and I was perfectly content, although slightly irritated to still be awake. I was kept awake by thoughts and memories. Is that why we drink, so that we don’t have to bear that? So we don’t have to lean into the possibility of discomfort. So we don’t have to think?
What is it about thinking that we are so afraid of?
Even if I don’t give in to the tiki temptation and drink, I have still noticed that I do things to avoid thinking. I am still eagerly trying to self-improve and be better. I have to constantly remind myself to sit and be. To be content with where I am at.
Thank you for sharing.
When Things Fall Apart truly changed my life and helped me lean into sitting with whatever comes to the surface. I hope it's been of comfort for you too <3