‘Goodbye’ is too final of a statement. It’s saying ‘The End’ whether or not you want it to be the end.
I prefer to leave phone calls with loved ones by saying ‘Talk soon’ or ‘See you tomorrow’.
In the obituary I wrote for my older brother, I had trouble using the word ‘was’ and was struck by how all-consuming my denial was. The memorial we held for him occurred three months following his death and even then I could hardly wrap my head around it…how do people go through with a funeral sooner than that? How do you lay to rest the person you saw living only days prior? During my speech, I refused to say ‘Goodbye’ to him and instead spoke of our remarkable likeness and our eternal connection. I finally had the chance to tell him that I thought the world of him. That everything I love about myself was what I love about him. Everyone in that chapel on the seaside cliff was there to say ‘Goodbye’ to my brother but I chose that moment to cling tighter to him.
I dated someone who put me down, yelled at me, and made me feel worthless for ten years on and off. I could never tell her ‘Goodbye’ until our relationship broke me. Until I feared for my life and my sanity. Until I was crying and screaming all day and all night. Up until that final straw, ‘Goodbye’ was a word that was hardly considered. I wanted to believe she was a “Forever and always”. How could I say ‘Goodbye’ to someone who I believed knew me better than I knew myself? How could I end that, us, and by extension, me?
Who was I if I said ‘goodbye’ to anyone important to me? Whether they were dead or alive, or alive and toxic.
Relationships change. People change. People live and die. People get sick. People get distracted. People love you one moment and think nothing or very little of you the next. People grow without you, no matter how hard you try to keep up.
You can rationalize all you want. Consider their point of view. Accept their death and your loss. Make excuses. Blame yourself. You can cling to them. You can believe that if you keep trying, they will too.
How do I avoid saying ‘Goodbye’ to them without saying ‘Goodbye’ to myself in some small way?
I am shedding layers of myself every day, whether or not I want to. I am slowly molding myself into someone I may not have expected to be, but who I need to be. Who I never dreamed I could be, and have a hard time believing I am. All because I said ‘Goodbye’. And I am learning that it gets easier and easier to say ‘Goodbye’.