Whenever I have a deadline for an important project coming up, I find myself deep-cleaning my house. I scrub floor boards and reorganize the Tupperware drawer. I pick clothes I no longer wear out of my closet to give away or sell. I start working on a different, low-priority project. The anxiety of completing my work on time begins to build and overwhelm me until I finally sit down, now completely focused, and bang it out. It’s a rush. A high! I’m addicted to it and don’t see myself breaking the habit anytime soon.
Youthful Procrastination
During my junior year of high school I came frighteningly close to failing several of my classes. These were classes that actually required effort — AP English, Physics, and Algebra II. I was a C average student, which meant that I always attended class, I tested well, but never completed my homework. I’d get home from school and spend the rest of the day doing WHAT, WHO KNOWS? Prank-calling people? Doodling with gel pens? Playing Guitar Hero? Angry, horny, oily, embarrassed…I do not miss my teenage years.
I can easily recall the guilt that hit me once I started down the dark path of procrastination. The shrinking feeling of shame as an assignment’s due date crept closer and I hadn’t even bothered to scrawl my name on the lined paper of my Mead Spiral Notebook. I would sit in class and watch sheepishly as 98% of the class passed their papers forward to a scowling teacher. I slacked off like this throughout grade school despite understanding the negative impact it had on my life; the negative impact it had on my self-esteem. It never got easier and it’s not like I didn’t care, I just got stuck. I knew I was fucking up but the cycle was impossible to break. The habit had formed. I knew no other way.
Truthfully, I had nothing to prove and no one to prove anything to. As the third child of a hardworking single mother, I was mostly left to my own devices. I would never be disciplined for a missing assignment or failing grade because it was not on anyone else’s radar. I was never told to aspire to success so success was never the goal. Nor did it ever feel achievable.
So I learned to procrastinate. Later on, I’d find a way to procrastinate from not just academia but life. I found alcohol.
Adult Procrastination
Arguably one of the worst episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is “Beer Bad”. In it, the gang has to save the day after Buffy drinks a magically spiked beer that makes humans devolve into Neanderthals. The vampire slayer turns into a barbaric beast, stripped of her power and heroic purpose. All she wants to do is drink more beer. Her friends end up staging an intervention of sorts, keeping her away from booze long enough to sober her up and all is well again. If only recovery was so simple!
Just like the neolithic drunks in the best show but worst episode ever written, booze allowed me to live my life without purpose or any sense of power. My only desire in the world was to drink. I had no life goals and was proud to call myself a wino. Procrastination by way of alcohol allowed me to crawl into a shame hole and gave me a pathetic excuse to not deal with any of my problems.
Sober Procrastination
Now that I’m sober, I have to constantly fight my desire to procrastinate. Every day, I look for ways to self-soothe that don’t include drugs or alcohol. I make todo lists and try to stick to them — a routine is key. I also run to relieve stress and anxiety. If I sit for too long without moving my body, my mind starts drifting back to the dreaded shame hole. I have to keep moving, keep learning, keep growing.
At its core, my addiction was procrastination from life. I drank to avoid myself. I drank to detach myself of any responsibility and accountability. Without the comfort of warm alcohol in my belly, I now have to face my stark but beautiful reality! When I think about procrastinating on a task now, I tell myself that it’s not that “I don't want to do this” but that “I need to do this because it will feel good”. It’ll certainly make me feel better than if I were to drink a bottle of wine.
Facing life's challenges and getting shit done is the real high and I’m proud to be earning it.