“Lately, I’ve been making an effort to acknowledge all that I have in my life to be grateful for. How fortunate I am, but also how deserving. And more often than not, this takes a grueling effort. I am learning to work through this challenge. Anytime my mind drifts toward criticism or judgment, I remind myself to be gentle and kind. I want to do this with my writing as well.
I want to practice focusing on all that is good in my life and fight the constant temptation to get lost in the negative.”
This is the last day of A Week of Joy, where I will be focusing on Stagnation and Confidence.
I’m having one of those days where nothing I do seems to be enough. No amount of tasks completed, jobs performed, or boxes checked-off feels satisfying. It’s as if I have accomplished nothing with my day, despite the fact that I have actually made great use out of it. I completed an article for work as soon as I woke and then ran five miles. I took my dog on a walk and then followed up on some emails for a new job. I had lunch with family, washed and detailed my car, meditated, and walked my dog again. I sat down to write this looking out to the ocean while the sun was setting. It was a pretty remarkable day, but throughout its entirety I felt the incessant need to do MORE. I was anxious to do I don’t know what.
What is this feeling of dissatisfaction? Would I not have it if I had completed more tasks? Would I feel better if I focused on more profitable tasks? Or more social ones? Should my daily tasks be more difficult, or challenging? If I had run 13.1 miles today instead of just 5, would I not be stuck with this feeling of inadequacy? I keep moving and doing but I still want to move and do more. I have this constant thought in my head, “I’m here, now what?”.
Why is it that some days I struggle with perceived stagnation, a lack activity or growth, while other days I feel confidently productive? Lately, I have been especially hard on myself. Or maybe I am just noticing how hard I’ve always been on myself.
The fact is that in the eleven months I have been sober, I have experienced a surge in personal growth. This is just something I need to constantly remind myself. If I sit down to watch a TV show, read a book, or make plans with friends, guilt always comes creeping in. It says, “Did you do enough today? Could you be doing more? Is it enough?”. I have to always tell myself that it is enough. I have to tell myself to be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how big or small that accomplishment is.
Every day I slowly build up my confidence. For a few years leading up to my sobriety, I didn’t have any. I really was stagnate. I was stuck while perpetually drunk. My alcohol addiction covered my life in a dense fog. I couldn’t see where I was going and I was always too scared to move. So I stood still.
Now that I have lifted the fog with the help of my sobriety, I’m finally moving forward. But those feelings of inadequacy and stagnation linger. Some days it’s just a quiet whisper, I can barely hear it. Other days, like today, it’s as loud as a siren.
I just have to confidently yell back at it, “I’m enough. This is enough”.