“Lately, I’ve been making an effort to acknowledge all that I have in my life to be grateful for. How fortunate I am, but also how deserving. And more often than not, this takes a grueling effort. I am learning to work through this challenge. Anytime my mind drifts toward criticism or judgment, I remind myself to be gentle and kind. I want to do this with my writing as well.
I want to practice focusing on all that is good in my life and fight the constant temptation to get lost in the negative.”
This is Day 4 of A Week of Joy, where I will be focusing on Loneliness and Community.
My Gemini self craves social engagement. I experienced incredible FOMO (fear of missing out) prior to quitting alcohol, and feared the feeling would inevitably lead to relapse. I could never really sit alone with myself. I needed to be surrounded by others, talking to others, experiencing something… anything… besides my own being.
A few strangers and friends have reached out to me since I have stopped drinking and asked me how I get by in social interactions, sharing that they don’t know what to do with themselves around others without a drink in hand. They fear the anxiety I so feared. They feared, as I did, that they were no fun to be around without alcohol.
“Before you ever drank a drop you did not need alcohol to enjoy yourself socially, yet as you grew older, you observed everyone around you drinking in social situations. In fact, you almost never observed social situations without alcohol. You assumed alcohol was a key ingredient for a good party. You began to drink socially, and initially you probably didn’t find alcohol vital to socializing. Since alcohol is part of practically ever social situation, soon you only experience social situations with alcohol. Eventually you developed a small dependence, and you missed alcohol if it wasn’t available. Your experience confirmed your observations. You didn’t have quite as much fun if you didn’t drink. You concluded, yes, alcohol is vital to social life”. ― Annie Grace, This Naked Mind
I believed that alcohol was my greatest tool in entertaining others. It made me friendlier, I thought. Funnier, I assumed. Pardon the reference, but it’s like in that episode of Friends where Monica is dating “Fun Bobby” who happens to be a blast only because he is an alcoholic. When Monica convinces him to stop drinking, the friends discover he is “Incredibly Dull Bobby”, and they no longer wish to be around him.
When I stopped drinking, I am pleased to note that I did not turn into “Incredibly Dull Lindsey”. The loneliness I feared would overtake me without that sparkle of alcohol in my system never set in. Sure, there were days that I was lonely. Days that I was sad. But they came and went. I also experienced immense joy and happiness. I started to spend time with the people in my community because they added something wonderful to my life, not because they cured my sense of FOMO. Hanging out with friends was no longer a distraction from my pain, but was suddenly a conscious decision I made every day - I started to find that I didn’t need social interaction as desperately as I thought I did.
The more time I spend alone, I realize how full of love I am - and I’m beginning to understand that in the moments that I don’t need to spend that love on myself, I can then offer it to others that need it.