“Lately, I’ve been making an effort to acknowledge all that I have in my life to be grateful for. How fortunate I am, but also how deserving. And more often than not, this takes a grueling effort. I am learning to work through this challenge. Anytime my mind drifts toward criticism or judgment, I remind myself to be gentle and kind. I want to do this with my writing as well.
I want to practice focusing on all that is good in my life and fight the constant temptation to get lost in the negative.”
This is Day 3 of A Week of Joy, where I will be focusing on Anger and Spirituality.
The first time I sat in a meditation room, which was just a few months ago, I felt embarrassingly nervous. I had never meditated before, and was worried there was something to it that I would find difficult to grasp. The room was filled with Tibetan art prints, large floor pillows, cushioned chairs, and friendly faces. I sat in one of the chairs, too intimidated by the floor pillow. There was a brief introduction given by the teacher, and then the group was led by him into a guided meditation.
His guiding was simple, which was to focus on your breath. Notice the coolness of the air as you inhale through your nostrils, and the heat of it as you exhale from your mouth. And that any thought - whether it be fantasy, escape, or preoccupation with the past or the future, to greet that thought with kindness, and to refocus your attention on your breath and being in your body.
That first meditation, and the sessions that followed, felt like everything I wanted my substance-abuse to be. I wanted drinking to dispel all worry and ease my suffering, but I was just exasperating it instead. Meditation is allowing me to forgive myself for all the pain I’ve carried, which even though I was sober, was still making me angry and resentful. I was leading a healthier life in choosing not to drink, but was plagued by anger with others and with myself. Meditating has taught me to be more gentle with my feelings and the feelings of others. It has helped me begin to let go of the desire to fix everything and the desire to be right.
Everything I assumed meditation to be was wrong. I thought the goal of meditating was to hyper-focus on an issue and somehow solve it. Or that it was just silly and pointless - who wants to sit with their thoughts, that sounds like unbearable torture.
Instead, meditation has given me the greatest gift I have received in a very long time, which is letting go of so many negative feelings and thoughts I grasped onto so tightly and allowed, for so long, to take over my life.
Letting Go
I’m letting go of the person I thought I wanted to be. I’m letting go of being disappointed in myself and in others for not being what I envision. I’m letting go of being angry at myself and at others. I’m letting go of my guilt - the guilt I feel for not having chosen this path sooner, and not helping others on their path. I’m letting go of my embarrassment - the embarrassment of being human and of making mistakes. I’m letting go of shame - the shame that has been inherited and the shame that I have carried for so long.
I was angry with so many people and with myself. It has been unbelievably freeing to let go of that and just be.